With Halloween just around the corner, I headed off to my favourite site of all things cheap and weird, Ali Express to see what devilish products they have for this yearly celebration of Paganism. I wasn’t disappointed with the spoils of my labour.
Life-like Severed Arms
What Halloween party would be complete with this pair of life-like severed arms?
When the kids come trick or treating you can freak them out with these really cool but gross severed arms, complete with blood and bits of bone sticking out.
Blood Spatter Tights
I actually think these are pretty cool and are something you could wear every day if you had the right personality — e.g psychokiller
The great thing is that they also come as a swimsuit, though why a women would wear a white swimsuit covered in blood to the beach or pool is a little beyond me.
Saw Movie Latex Mask
I must admit, this mask is pretty damned terrifying. If I was a little kid going round knocking on my neighbours door asking for sweets and it was opened by someone wearing this, I think I’d shit myself!
Fake Plastic Eyeballs
Ahh, these are a good old favourite — the fake plastic eyeballs.
They have a million uses — floating in the blood coloured fruit punch, hidden among the candy, Dad being a bore by trying to prank every kid who visits by pretending his eye just fell out.
Horror Pig Mask
I must admit, this is pretty disgusting — there won’t be any vegetarians wearing it that’s for sure! But there’s an idea — go around to your local Hipsters house wearing this, ask him to put down his Kombucha and Kale smoothie for a second see if you can convince him to give this bacon a little loving instead of eating another tasteless tofu burger.
“Sexy Adult Special Flesh Color Lycra Spandex Unisex Zentai Suit” for Halloween
I had no idea what Zentai (or zenshin taitsu) was until I saw this crazy full body suit, but it turns out it’s pretty popular in Japan and means “skin-tight garment.”
Apparently their so popular you’ll see people even wearing them at sporting events.
Want to be the only person on your block wearing a weird lycra body suit this halloween?
Knife Through The Head Joke
Another classic and a favourite of Dad’s and Teenage Boys worldwide!
The theory is simple:
- place fake “knife through head” on your head
- cover yourself with heaps of fake blood
- look like a complete fuckwit!
Fake Human Heart
This is another timeless classic — the plastic fake human heart!
There’s not a lot more can really be said about it, except that it’s a necessary decoration at any Halloween party and it’s going to last for years so you’ll only need to ever buy one of them!
Chucky Doll Mask
Some of you may be a bit young to remember this creepy movie where a kid’s doll comes to life and starts murdering everyone, but this move was one of the classics of the late 80’s, early 90’s.
What I love about the product photo is that they’ve actually got a kids modelling it — it’s not like it’s going to scar the child for life or anything!